Dear Harby

Harby, Satirical Advice Columnist

 

Dear Harby,

I came in wanted a run-of-the-mill job in general management, but now I seemed to have caught the finance bug from all the company presentations put on by CPD. Should I be an investment banker?

-Wondering in One Western

Dear Wondering,

Lots of people are attracted to Investment Banking. There are the prestigious names: JP Morgan, Morgan Stanley, Evercore. There is the power: how many other jobs are caricatured as controlling politicians like marionette puppets? There is the pedigree: the family motto of Goldman Sachs might as well be “Let them hate, so long as they fear.”

There’s also all the free on-campus dinners. Such crisp champagne and incredible flatbread. Nothing like those warm beers and sweaty handshakes they give out at Deloitte.

Much like Burger King drive through however, many go into banking but few return. That’s because while many types of people consider, just one excels in it: people with extremely low utility for leisure time. Just think about. Imagine that you’re done with a three-case day. You would still have still have six hours until you have four more hours until you can call it an early night.

Let’s do the math. Let’s assume that you make $130k as your base salary out of HBS with another $130k in bonus. If you have amaz-balls hours and only work from 9:00AM to midnight, Sunday through Friday, for 50 weeks a year, your pre-tax hourly wage would be $58 – and you would still have no time to spend it. You could instantly double your wage by moving into Tech… or plumbing. Would you spend all that time and effort to make that money if you weren’t error-checking spreadsheets, but were instead unclogging toilets? At least once you dislodge the dookie, you don’t have to see the crap any more.

Wishing luck on your career movement,
Harby

Dear Harby,

I’m an RC on first floor Aldrich and I’ve got a problem with the bathroom situation. Not only do I get an eyeful when I pass the perpendicular urinals, but the stalls are so low that you anyone walking buy can just see right in. Let’s just say I have some imposture syndrome and I can’t

 excel in business when subjected to too much scrutiny. What should I do?

-Stalled in Spangler

Dear Stalled,

My friend, those are features, not flaws. Imagine a world where the stall walls go all the way up to the ceiling. That would turn your toilet into a bonafide iPhone recreation booth. By lowering the stalls, HBS raises the stakes for wasting time in there. After all, how many times have you waited in line for a stall?

As for the urinals, I’m fresh our of advice. We simply don’t have that in the secret Japanese toilet stall on Aldrich second floor that I always use. If I had to offer some advice, it would be to use it as a conversation starter. Make some friends by complimenting them on what you see; how Trump-esque their hands look in comparison.

Hope that works. Try as I might to be a cougar, I’ve never been good about making friends with HBS men.

Hope you have a nice long chat,
Harby

Dear Harby,

My section finally agreed on using Slack, instead of GroupMe, WhatsApp, WeChat, TextChains, or Bumble. However, now the question that has us riled up is whether to stand or clap for guests to our class. Some want to stand for everyone. Others want to stand for just Veterans. There is vocal group who are adamant against standing for anyone. What do you think?

-Seated in Shad

Dear Seated,

What’s the downside of raising your behind? Standing is your chance to spread your enthusiasm about HBS in a totally costless way.

If you’re not going to stand for everyone, you shouldn’t stand for any particular sub set. Vets are already a little weirded out by all the 24-year-olds at HBS who have spent their lives in front of spreadsheets and yet talk about possessing “leadership.” And for that matter, not everyone at HBS is from a country with friendly relations with the US. I can’t imagine clapping for a KGB officer who sabotaged the last US election; why would a Russian student want to stand for a Navy Submariner who stands ready to nuke them to oblivion if Trump passes the word.

Parents shouldn’t give a pass neither. They’re the ones responsible for all these sociopaths on campus!

Also, you can go ahead and delete Slack from your phone now. Nothing useful will ever be shared through that. If it’s truly important you’ll get an email or a phone call.

Standing ovation,
Harby


Harby is a Pulitzer Prize-nominated MBA advice columnist and the author of such bestsellers as Teaching Your Dog How to DCF and The Seven People You Meet at the Boston Doubletree. Want some advice from Harby? Email your question to [email protected]