Shockwaves rippled across the social fabric of campus as hacked emails from Dillon House this week revealed that fall RC section seating assignments in Aldrich Hall were made with the explicit intent of putting future section mates adjacent to peers with whom they would have the highest predicted level of sexual tension. The initiative, operating under the codename “Project Alpha,” appears to have been undertaken to add a missing element of “illicit dynamism” to LEAD and LCA discussions, and to maximizing future alumni philanthropic giving through intersection marriages. In the emails, many of which demonstrated an unsettling familiarity with the incoming class’s interactions at Yacht Week, admissions deans can be seen conferring about which social impact backgrounds would be most attractive to top-tier private equity bros, which consulting offices would have the most romantically compatible alumni, and where to strategically place salsa-instructors, internationals with “sexy accents,” and fun-loving LatAm students to best catalyze section romance.
“This makes a lot of sense,” said Tara Cher of Section A. “When I showed up the first day fresh out of TPG and met [my seatmate] Hugh Morris [also Section A], as soon as I heard he had a weekend home in East Hampton and a return offer from Bain Cap, I knew I had already found my future husband.”
Many RCs expressed a similar lack of surprise by the leaks, citing the large number of peers they observe exchanging sensual looks, texting each other in class, and holding hands in the corridors of Aldrich when they think no one is around, all completely unaware that their actions are totally visible to everyone around them.
Section officers expressed exasperation at the effect of these liaisons secrète on the section dynamic, particularly on retreats. “It’s an absolute fuckfest out there,” said Section J president Carlos Gomez DiSantos Ibanez Lebowitz. “It starts off all innocent like a wine and cheese party. Then someone busts out the Fireball a top-40s playlist. Before you know it, all the guys have ripped their shirts off, seatmates are grinding one another into the windows, and the door of every bathroom and bedroom is locked. I always try to find some married section mates to help me regain order, but somehow when things get heavy no one — not even their roommates — can find them. Weird, right?”
Initial forensics suggest that the explosive emails were leaked by Russian MIT Students posing as Ukrainian Babson students. MIT Sloan, administrators, many of whom recently traveled to Russia to conduct admissions interviews, denied involvement, though they were quick to say that closer relations with Russia would be a good thing and that any videos showing them urinating in a hotel room were definitely “fake news.”